No One Can Milk The Cows Like Vegeta
by Yamiku
Summary: Bulma, a few Z Senshi and a Chinese-German guy go off to find Vegeta when he doesn't turn up to milk the cows....


  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this story are the cows. Some Tripod license taken. 

Mali: This is a short, weird little fic about Vegeta not turning up to milk the cows one morning. Yes it is pointless, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that someday the world will be cured of disease, and everyone will live in perfect harmony, with the squirrels as door guards. Enjoy the fic.

No One Can Milk The Cows Like Vegeta

One fine day, Bulma woke to find Vegeta missing. 

Which would have been completely ordinary (because Vegeta often went missing and turned up the next day, dressed in silver spandex with a reef of white lilies around his head), except for the fact that there was a Chinese-German guy with a spidery moustache in the kitchen.

".... Um... who are you?" asked Bulma.

"Ah, excuse me for intruding on your privacy, but I must ask," said the man in his heavy Chinese-German accent. "Where is Vegeta?" 

"What's it to you?" Bulma repiled, now looking around for the steak knife incase things got a little too psycho.

"Well, it's just that he didn't turn up to milk the cows this morning." said the guy.

Bulma stared blankly. "Cows? Vegeta doesn't milk cows."

"I assure you, miss, he does. Every Tuesday at six AM."

Suddenly, a considerably large group of Z senshi walked into the kitchen.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?!" screamed Bulma. "You wore out your welcome here after that Christmas party!" She glared at Shin. "Especially you, you purple-skinned white-haired midget man!" 

Shin pouted sadly. "Kylisydnsgsiugduudsiaaaaa." he muttered.

Bulma blinked. "Riiight....."

Kibito sighed. "Don't pay any attention to him. He's been banned from pie."

Everyone gasped. 

"That's inhumane!" snapped Piccolo, wagging his finger.

"Well, next time maybe he should think before he burns down an orphanage!" said Kibito.

"Hey, that little freak was asking for it!" protested Shin. "I can't help getting freaked out whenever someone dumps a bucket of icy water over my head!"

Vegeta stuck his head into the room. "Hey, this is supposed to be about me, not you!" he snapped angrily.

"Sorry." said everyone, embarassed.

There was a pause.

"Look, you can feel the love in the room." sighed Piccolo.

There was another pause.

"Ladies you know what to do, now us boys can do it too!" sang Goku.

Everyone gave him a weird look.

"It's a song." snapped Goku. "Ya know, second drawer down, second drawer down, everything fits in the second drawer down!"

Another awkward pause took place. 

".... Hey, shouldn't we go find Vegeta?" asked Shin.

"Oh, yeah." said Krillin.

"Shoulda thought of that...." mused Gohan.

"Where do we start?" asked Piccolo.

"Well, duh." repiled Bulma. "The butcher's shop."

"Why?" asked Goku.

"Because everybody likes the butcher's shop. And plus cows... butcher... ya know?" 

Shin blinked. "I thought you were supposed to be a genius?"

"I make a few good inventions and everyone thinks I'm a genius!" scowled Bulma. "But no one even bothered to look at that costume I made for Gohan that time! Sunnies and a bandana, for Christ's sake, and it was like, "Ooooh, THANK YOU, Bulma, you are so SMART!". ANYONE COULD'VE DONE THAT, BUT WHEN I DO, IT'S SUDDENLY SPECIAL! Well, I'll tell you the truth- my I.Q is 12!"

Everyone stared in stunned silence. 

"Let's go." said Bulma meekly. 

At the butcher's shop....

Shin slipped over and smacked his head on the wall. "OWWWIEEESSS!" he screamed. 

"Shut up you moron!" hissed Piccolo.

"Shut up you moron!" mimicked Shin.

"No!"

"No!" 

"Shin, if you shut up you can have pie." sighed Kibito.

"Shin, if you-" he stopped. "Okay." he said immediately.

"It's so dark and sca-" began Gohan.

"Shhhhh!" said Bulma. "What was that?"

"Faint screams and protest that sound very far off. Let us follow." said Goku.

And so they did. 

"You can't do this to Bessie, I won't let you!" said a voice.

"That's Vegeta..." said Bulma slowly.

"Look, Mr., we're sorry..." said another.

"That's Henry!" cried Shin.

"Who the hell is Henry?" asked Piccolo.

"Well, he's this guy that I went to school with and-" 

Kibito clipped him in the head with a newspaper.

"NO! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT!?" screamed Shin, twitching spastically. "YOU KNOW I HATE THE FEEL OF NEWSPAPER! WHY DO YOU THINK I DEMAND IT GETS LAMINATED, YOU..." he paused to think. "Stupid... um... stupid."

"They don't want to know about you, Henry and those orange heart-shaped popsicles!" snapped the tall pink guy who really needs to smile once in a while.

Shin, remembering the promise of sweet pie, just bit his tongue til it bled. God he was gonna regret that.

The others watched this in terror. 

"Newspaper?" asked Goku, completely confused.

"Here, Goku," said Bulma, handing him a card. "This will explain everything."

"Even why hippos don't turn orange from nine A.M?" asked Krillin, astonished.

"Everything but that." replied Bulma.

"One tee one line line two." said Goku, reading the card.

"NO!" screamed Shin again. "1+1=2!" He then began to chant, "BACK TO SCHOOL! BACK TO SCHOOL! BACK TO SCHOOL!"

"That's it, no more sugar for you." said Kibito.

Shin immediately burst into tears.

Bulma then realized that with all the noise they were making, Vegeta and Henry had probably heard them. "Holy pie."

"PIE!" yelled Shin, laughing maniacally and running down the hallway.

"Good one, Kibito," sighed Kibito to himself, a sure sign that we was losing it. "The one time you didn't bring the mace, he gets away..."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

"... but no, you just HAD to go, "No, he'll be alright this time!"," Kibito continued. "And now-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" screamed Krillin.

"No, Krillin, YOU shut up!" cried Goku.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" yelled Piccolo. "LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE BECOME! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!"

Everyone looked guiltily at their feet.

"You're right, Piccolo," said Krillin. "I'm sorry."

Everyone agreed.

"Let's go rescue-" began Bulma, before a chainsaw noise and crazy laughter was heard, follow by a scream and a squelching noise. 

"Damnitt." said Kibito. "Again with the chainsaw... you just HAD to say-"

"Don't you dare." snapped Gohan.

IN THE NEXT ROOM...

"Hello Vegeta." Shin said calmly, pointing the chainsaw at said Sayain. 

Vegeta stared silently, attempting to ignore the blood spattered all over him.. "..."

"I think it's about time you came home." Shin continued, smiling.

"Please leave me alone." Vegeta repiled.

"Don't you miss-"

Kibito ran in and tackled him, threw the chainsaw against the wall (Well, actually, Krillin got in it's way, but oh well.) and put the short lavender deity in a strait jacket.

"Damnitt!" snapped Shin. "Lemmego!" 

"No!" cried Kibito. "You're a danger to the world! You're going back to live with Yon!"

"Please, no!" yelled Shin, immediately changing his tune. "I can't beat him in a staring match! It's hell!"

"That's why you're going." 

"Damn you stupid cretin!" whined Shin, shutting up after that.

"Where the hell were you!?" yelled Bulma and the Chinese-German guy at Vegeta.

Vegeta began crying. "They were gonna turn Bessie into food!" he sobbed tragically, hugging the cow nearest to him. "I couldn't let them do it! She's the only one who understands me!"

Bulma stared. "You care more about the cow than me?" 

"Essentially.... yes." breathed Vegeta.

"Are you high?" asked Shin.

"Shut up Shin!" yelled everyone. Shin rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"And now I'll lose her forever!" cried Vegeta sadly, patting Bessie. "Because I don't know how to stop it!"

Everyone was now sad, except for one person.

Shin rolled his eyes once again. "Oh, PLEASE!" he yelled. "If I could smack my forehead I would!" He launched into a song. "If you wanna save the cow, blow things up! If you-"

"Shin." said Kibito so dangerously it scared everyone in the room. Shin evidently knew this tone.

"Sorry." he whimpered.

"Well... there's a way you can save Bessie..." said Bulma thoughtfully.

ONE MONTH LATER...

Bessie was living in Capsule Corp. with the Briefs family.

Shin was at Yon's house, being challenged to staring contests every five minutes, and losing miserably.

Kibito was relaxing, the selfish ingrate. The whole thing was his fault, naturally.

Goku was currently somewhere in another galaxy, helping the poor people there.

Piccolo had opened up his own barber shop. It was on the verge of closing down.

Gohan had experienced the rise and fall, the rise again, then the gradual fall of stardom.

And as for the author....

Well, let's just say she had a crazy experience with her hair.

THE END


End file.
